Setting boundaries & saying ‘No’

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We live in a “yes” culture

I’ve been reflecting a lot recently on the emphasis placed on saying “yes” in today’s society. We live in a world where we’re encouraged and urged to say “yes” to achieve, succeed, belong, and get ahead. There’s an incredible weight placed on achievement and accumulation as a measure of whether and how worthy we are. We’re conditioned to believe that the more we achieve or accumulate, the more successful, fulfilled, and ultimately happy we will become. In turn, we work around the clock, stay constantly engaged and busy, say “yes” to avoid conflict or confrontation, and often find ourselves overcommitted and overwhelmed.

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Stress, overwhelm and saying “no”

According to Gallop’s State of the Global Workplace 2022 Report employees are more stressed and overwhelmed than ever. A whopping 44% of workers surveyed reported that they experienced a lot of stress the day prior, while 40% reported they experienced a lot of worry. Whether a result of work or other life factors, the stress and worry we experience each day impacts how we show up at work.

In Language and the Pursuit of Leadership Excellence, Chalmers Brothers provides an eye-opening reframe. According to Chalmers, when we are “stressed out” we are “overcommitted or living in overwhelm” and being unable to say “no” results in this way of living. Chalmers further claims that “there’s no such thing as time management” and invites readers to imagine the invisible backpack they are carrying around with 47 different promises in different phases of completion. Take a moment now and imagine the invisible backpack you are wearing today. How many different promises or commitments are you currently carrying around? How heavy is your backpack? 

As Chalmers so eloquently says “this is the modern human…we are managing commitments, not time.”

I offer and invite you to try on this small perspective shift.

To notice that perhaps you never had time management and never will.

To recognize how many promises or commitments you are walking around with and how much energy, time, attention and/or money they each require.

Are you overcommitted and weighed down? If so, what can you do to lighten the load?

Redefining what it means to say “no”

You can start by learning and practicing how to say “no” instead of overcommitting your time, energy, attention and/or money. As a first step, you can look at why it’s so hard to decline a request. Maybe for you it’s a fear of disappointing other people or hurting their feelings. Maybe it’s an urge to avoid conflict or confrontation at all costs. Maybe it’s a fear of abandonment fueled by a deep desire to belong. In many cases, fear of rejection is a major factor. We’re afraid of rejecting someone and/or of being rejected. 

I want to invite you here to consider another reframe offered by Chalmers: “saying ‘no’ isn’t the rejection of a person, it’s the rejection of a request.” Said another way, the person and the request are not one in the same. When you say “no” you are not rejecting your colleague, boss, partner, child, or friend, you are simply declining their request. Likewise, when someone says “no” to your request, they are not rejecting you (only your request).

What comes up for you when I share this reframe? What might this shift in emphasis offer you?

Learning how to say “no”

Learning to say “no” takes time and practice. I’m not going to tell you it’s easy or simple. I have been learning and practicing how to say “no” for years and I still often feel uncomfortable. But, with practice comes competence and confidence. Especially because how we say “no” goes far beyond word choice. There’s an emotional and body component in the delivery you may not consciously recognize. When someone says “no”, we can feel the energy and emotion behind their words. We often anticipate or sense their energy from their body language. In turn, we assess and base our response on how firmly they say “no”.

So, how can you learn to say “no” more effectively? First, consider your current goals and values in life. This will help provide a goal post or maker for what you choose to say “yes” and “no” to respectively. If you feel stuck or are unsure how to respond, consider these questions offered by Psych Central to determine when it’s best for you to decline.

When you do decide to say “no”, I invite you to consider your: (1) word choice, (2) mood or emotion, and (3) body language.

Word choice

As Marie Forleo so aptly says “the right words with the right motive can make all the difference.” Marie put together a simple guide with word-for-word scripts for saying no with kindness and grace. This is a great resource if you’re not sure what to say when you want to decline a request, as it gives you a jumping off point. You can also check out resources such as Psych Central, which offer clear ways to decline a request. Another technique you may want to try is saying “I don’t” instead of “I can’t” as described by Professor Patrick and Henrik Hagtvedt’s study in the Journal of Consumer Research. This approach provides a firm “no” that’s less likely to invite negotiation.

Mood and emotion

Beyond your words, consider what mood or emotion is most conducive to the outcome you want. Take a moment to consider what you would really like to say “no” to in your life right now. What emotion would best fit what you want to communicate? Would it serve you to speak from a place of overwhelm or insecurity? Or would you be better served to speak from a place of trust and grounded presence? Or maybe the situation calls for courage? Whatever you decide, take some time to connect with that emotion and energy when you say “no”.  

Body language

Finally, notice and become aware of your body language. What you communicate through your facial expressions and body movements is just as important as what you say. What body language (gestures, facial expressions, eye contact, eye gaze, mouth expressions, hand movements, posture, breathing) would best fit the emotion (identified above) you want to convey? Would it best serve you to sit, slouch, stand up straight, smile, scowl, pout when you say “no”? Play with what feels good and practice consciously adopting body language that conveys the energy you want to communicate.

To recap, saying “no” in a “yes” culture isn’t easy. You are not alone if you feel uncomfortable saying “no” and fear that you might disappoint, offend, or hurt other people. Therefore, it’s important to remember that when you say “no” you are not rejecting the person making the request, you are simply declining their request. With time and practice, you can and will become more comfortable and confident saying “no”. In turn, you will find you are better positioned to manage your commitments and combat stress and overwhelm in your life.

Let’s work together

This month I’ve supported clients in clarifying their vision for their career, navigating the job search process, preparing for interviews, saying no and setting boundaries at work, and navigating challenges and big emotions at work.

I’d love to support you to do the same.

Send me a message or check out ways we can work together: from 1:1 coaching to participating in my group program Navigating Emotions at Work.